About Descartes, Boobs and Videogames
“Money for nothing and chicks for free“
– Dire Straits
I decided to write this (very) short story after I noticed that one of the most famous videogames blogs in my country began to replace news about videogames with something that videogames have little to do with. What do I mean? Obviously “a crowd of sexy streamers and busty cosplayers” that usually has nothing to say but a lot to show.
Anyway, if you just want to know what will be released in December, feel free to skip my poor digressions. You’ll have all my sympathy…
Emily is looking in the mirror, with an expression of discontent on her face. She isn’t satisfied, she looks beautiful, that goes without saying, but is she sexy enough? Her version of Lynk is almost perfect, but, maybe, if she squeezes her breast a little bit more and give to her followers a glimpse of her panties…
After all, what she’s doing is nothing more than what her boyfriend usually asks her, but with a fundamental difference: with this picture she’ll have more than a boyfriend, maybe thousands more…
While she is speaking about videogames, Alexandra wears a very short red dress. Her videos have tons of followers, and she knows that when she is on the screen a myriad of eyes is glued to her body. She is famous but sometimes she is sad, because she is firmly convinced that nobody is really listening what she is saying, even if she is able to say something smart and ironic.
Alexandra loves her followers, but, sometimes, this love turns into hate, and this happens every time they remember her that she is nothing more than a thing.
This is one of those moments, but Alexandra swears to herself that this time she will not cry.
With her cell phone she decides to call her best friend, Emily.
They have so many things in common:
“Your tone… I mean this one of your moments, isn’t it?”
“I… I was just thinking…”
“Let me guess, again Mister Feet?”
“Yeah, he told me again he wants to lick my feet, but it is not only this…”
“Alexandra, where is the problem? Someone wants to lick your feet, so what? Yesterday one of my followers wrote me that I don’t deserve to live, with the exception of my boobs…. we know they are all fu***ing idiots.”
“That’s the problem! They are idiots but that’s all we have! I mean, I like videogames and, yeah, maybe I’m not a genius, but I could even have something smart to say. I studied hard, I’m not so stupid, but… but do you think that one of our damned followers should ever listen to us if the camera was turned off?”
“Alexandra wake up! We earn much more money than a developer of those stupid videogames! People are no longer interested in things like videogames, sport or fashion, now they want boobs & videogames, boobs & sport…”
“Maybe you are right but if I keep this up I’ll start to think exactly like them. Do you know what was one of the last comment I read on my channel? It was a quote and it said: I don’t think, therefore you are“*
“It’s a paraphrase, Emily. Do you know who is Descartes?”
“Who is he? A fu**ing new French streamer?”
“Emily, I’m sorry but I decided, I don’t want to be “nothing”…anymore.”
* Pasquale Panella, poet
EMPIRE OF SIN – 1st December
I can’t lie, this is one of my favorite releases of the month, and this for many reasons.
First and foremost I really love anything related to the Prohibition-era and if you have ever seen The Untouchable you know what I mean. Secondly, behind this project, there are some of the most iconic developers of history like Brenda Romero and John Romero. Don’t forget that Brenda Romero is one of the masterminds behind games like Wizardry and Jagged Alliance! The last reason is quite obvious: sometimes being evil can be soooo funny.
Anyway Empire of Sin is a new strategy game brought to you by Romero Games and Paradox Interactive that puts you at the heart of the ruthless criminal underworld of 1920s Prohibition-era Chicago. In order to do that you will have to manage our empire of sin, fighting for it in engaging turn-based combat to defend or expand your territory.
PHOENIX POINT – 3rd December
Already released one year ago on Steam, Phoenix Point is finally coming also on Steam in a special and unique edition, complete with all DLC and a slew of updates, upgrades, fixes, and new content suggested by the community.
Phoenix Point puts players in the midst of a desperate fight to take back the Earth from a mutating, alien menace. Featuring turn-based tactical combat on procedurally generated maps, and resource management on a global scale, Phoenix Point offers endless replayability and a brutal challenge.
Very soon on Steam.
SHADOW EMPIRE – 3rd December
Shadow Empire is a deep turn-based 4X wargame that blends military focus, procedurally generated content, and role-playing features.
It places you into the seat of the supreme ruler of a small nation. Destiny and greatness await if you succeed in reconquering a devastated planet. Plunge into an alien universe and explore another world in a dark and unforgiving future.
Take command and engage in great military conquests and delicate diplomacy. Control your nation’s budgets, recruit and manage governors and commanders, build your economy and infrastructure, and much more.
DRAGON QUEST XI S: ECHOES OF AN ELUSIVE AGE – 4th December
Another game, another special/definitive edition. This one is quite unique because, besides additional scenarios, orchestral soundtrack, etc. it even offers a nice 2D mode.
For the few who don’t know what we’re talking about, Dragon Quest XI is the latest installment in the legendary RPG series from creator Yuji Horii. We are talking about the quintessence of JRPG with all its positive and negative aspects.
Personally, I really liked the game, the story, and the funny characters, except for the “classic” combat system. I know that is a personal limit but I find it so boring and repetitive…
Guildmaster: Gratuitous Subtitle – 7th December
Command an ever-changing party of four heroes into turn-based tactical combat, in this challenging and irreverent fantasy adventure. As the Guildmaster you will command an ever-changing party of four heroes into turn-based tactical combat. Assemble a party from a growing guild of heroes, each with a unique set of skills. Equip them from an arsenal of hundreds of weapons, each providing a different set of attacks to the wielder.
- Challenging turn-based combat
- Fifteen heroes to recruit, each with different combinations of skills
- Weapon-based abilities, each weapon grants a unique combination of attacks
- Combine melee fighters, archers, and spellcasters in a party of four to take on each quest
- Choose your Guildmaster’s appearance and their spells as they level up
- An irreverent storyline with humourous dialogue between the quests
ARCANIUM: RISE OF AKHAN (E.A.) – 8th December
ARCANIUM: Rise of Akhan is a single-player strategy card game, that tries to merges both “Roguelike” & “Deckbuilding” genres in many new ways.
The game is a tale of fellowship and bravery and is set in a fantasy world of anthropomorphic animals were good, evil, magic and technology collide. Form a party of three adventurers and embark on your dangerous journey in order to defeat Akhan the Calamity, and save the World of Arzu from destruction.
- Open-World Progression
- Non-linear and procedural acts
- Day and Night cycle
- Dangerous living, breathing world
- Unique turn-based combat system
- Rpg-like looting System
On Steam E.A. quite soon.
MONSTER SANCTUARY – 8th December
After a long E.A. period, finally, Monster Sanctuary is coming in its final version. The game is a strange mix of two quite different genres: a monsters taming and a Metroidvania. Imagine an illegitimate son between Pokemon and Owlboy!
Your goal? Become a monster tamer and follow your ancestors’ footsteps preserving the peace between humans and monsters.
Assemble your team, explore a world full of secrets and treasures, and fight your way smashing enemies in a 3V3 strategic combat.
Soon on Steam & Humble Store.
THE WIND AND WILTING BLOSSOM – 11th December
Navigate the war-torn lands of Heian period Japan in this FTL-style roguelike where you’ll make tough choices in randomized events, fight off a dangerous yokai army in tactical, turn-based hex combat, and recruit powerful allies to defeat the bloodthirsty sorceress Takiyasha.
- Tactical Combat – Battle human and yokai enemies in tactical, turn-based combat.
- Randomized Events – Travel Heian period Japan triggering events from an enormous library of possibilities, choices, and outcomes – making each playthrough unique.
- Permadeath – Make tough decisions that matter, because there are no second chances.
- Unique Allies – Recruit and level up farmers, monks, poets, ninjas, and many more – each with their own unique abilities.
- Powerful Items – Collect a variety weapons and charms.
- Unlocks – Unlock new leaders, warriors, weapons, and charms through achievements spanning both individual and total playthroughs.
- History & Folklore – Assume the role of personages like samurai Minamoto Yoshiie, the powerful warrior monk Benkei, and The Tale of Genji author Murasaki Shikibu while navigating ukiyo-e inspired hand-drawn landscapes.
REVOLUTION: THE SPARK (E.A.) – 23rd December
Fight back in Revolution: The Spark, a story-driven, turn-based tactical RPG. Gather your allies and explore 9 unique districts in the capital of a corrupt Empire whose citizens cry out for your help. Will the city erupts in violent revolution or can you find a way to keep the fragile peace?
- Strategic Turn-based Combat – People are your greatest assets, so take care of them. Those who fall in combat will need time to recover.
- Recruit up to 25 Allies across 7 distinct Classes – You’ll need all the help that you can find on your journey to unseat the Empress. But beware, as some of your companions might not like others.
- Explore 9 Dynamic Locations – From the mines to the noble villas, you must fight your way to the steps of the Empress’ palace itself across 9 exciting, beautiful, hand-drawn, isometric locations.
- Forge Your Own Path – Your actions shape the future of a corrupt Empire. Choose how you want to solve conflict. Will you conquer all or reason with your foes? Every decision you make in travel, conversation, and combat has a meaningful effect on the outcome as your story unfolds.
- Discover secrets and Unlock 5 Different Endings. – Explore and talk to everyone. You never know what you might find. There are many routes and options that will help you steer the ultimate fate of the Empire.
- Steampunk Victorian Culture – Master the weapons of the early 20th century in this steam-fueled alternate reality where things aren’t what they seem.
- Decide what you fight for – Peace? A new world order? Or do you just want power for yourself? Everything is possible in Revolution: The Spark.
Just before Christmas on Steam.